When I Finally Stopped Hiding

03.11.16 | Written Stories

Drugs and alcohol fueled my adult life. I dealt with addiction for about 16 years, and as I got older, I just accepted that this was who I was and what I had become. I was hopeless, to say the least. I lived my life out of fear — fear of failing, fear of what others thought about me and fear that I had become a failure. I relived negative thoughts on a daily basis for years, and I drank and used drugs to help cope with the stresses of life and work. This in turn made matters much worse and led me down a dark path.

I was a complete mess. I was broken.

In 2011, I started dating a girl whom I had liked for some time, and I thought this relationship was what I needed to become a better person. It wasn't long after we started dating that she (Brandi) became pregnant. Nine months later, I was a father of a beautiful, healthy little girl. We named her Kylie. She was and is an absolute blessing to us both.

You would think that being a father and having a family would help me straighten up. It did briefly, but I eventually began drinking and using drugs again. I lived two separate lives. In one life I was a sweet, loving father and boyfriend, and in the other life, I was a hopeless alcoholic and drug addict. I hid my addiction for a while, but it eventually started interfering with my relationship with Brandi. My overall attitude was somewhat of a roller coaster ride — one minute happy, the next minute angry or sad. I selfishly blamed others for my problems and struggles. The turmoil finally led us to counseling, and that helped us with our communication so that I could understand her needs — and not just my own.

We made it through the next year without splitting up, but I continued to drink and use drugs. I just started hiding and lying about how much I was drinking and continued to keep my addiction a secret. I was living a lie.

I was living a lie.

In August 2014, our relationship unraveled. One Sunday after church, Brandi told me that she had had enough of my selfishness and destructive ways. She knew something was wrong with me and knew I was hiding something from her. She asked me one simple question that rocked my world: “Are you the type of man you would want your daughter to be with?” I simply replied, “No.” We ended our conversation that afternoon with the understanding that we would go our separate ways.

My life as I knew it was over, and I had nowhere else to turn. The next day, I lay in bed and was an emotional and desperate wreck. I prayed this simple prayer: “God help me.” I was never much of a spiritual individual, but that morning I asked God to help me and direct me.

Later that morning, I had what you would call a moment of clarity. Suddenly, it became very clear what I needed to do. It was time to surrender. I needed to come clean about my addiction issues. That afternoon, I set up an appointment with our counselor, and there I spilled my guts. The moment I told the truth about my drug addiction and about all the lies I had told and lived, there was almost an instant relief. That unbearable weight had finally been lifted. My secrets had finally been brought to light, and I could begin the repair process.

I checked into a treatment facility the next week and stayed there for six weeks. I learned about myself and my behaviors. Most importantly, I learned about God and His grace and mercy. I began to pray every day. I kept my prayers simple and asked Him to just help me be a better person and that His will be done and not mine.

As I began to read the Bible, I remember stumbling upon a verse that really hit home with me — Proverbs 28:13: “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” This verse fits my story perfectly. I confessed my sins, and my conscience was cleansed of all the guilt and shame of being an addict. For the first time in my life, I experienced grace through Christ.

For the first time in my life, I experienced grace through Christ.

When I left the treatment facility, I began repairing my relationship with Brandi as a new man, and our relationship is better now that it ever was. In fact, on August 15, 2015, we finally married.

My life is completely different now. I am no longer hopeless; I am no longer spiritually bankrupt; I am no longer broken. I have a relationship with Christ, and I still pray to Him each day. He’s healed me from my addictions to drugs and alcohol. My life has been redeemed in a miraculous way because I turned my life and will over to the care of God.

— Michael Mosley, Pinelake Reservoir